and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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