Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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