just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
