Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize