Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
