I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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