omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
