peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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