You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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