On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You just made me feel so damn special
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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