Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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