I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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