I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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