so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
