Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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