Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
