Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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