my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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