Got a toothbrush?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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