I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
