It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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