a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
