Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
