haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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