I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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