It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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