nut hugger
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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