So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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