dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
