: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
