am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
