Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You can't special order awesome
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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