people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
