I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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