So drunk its hurt
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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