What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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