remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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