Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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