he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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