i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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