Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
