The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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