I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize