Define "chronic" masturbator.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
be right there i have to get my cape
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
