i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
