I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Randomize
