can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Porn is love you can see.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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