happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
