My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
