i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
