dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
