she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
