after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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