Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
