He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
