haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You are a genius and a whore.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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