How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I faked an abortion last night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
