We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
