They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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