I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
