I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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